Forced Consent

In the BDSM world the slogan Safe Sane and Consensual is slapped to our collective bumper sticker. We are reminded of it in the same way our mothers reminded us of the golden rule, or to eat your veggies.I began thinking about the last word in those four dripping words, consensual.

Consensual, as the adjective in the aforementioned sentence, means to enter in to mutual agreement with another person. An important principal in BDSM, especially at public play events, or getting to know some new kinksters, this rule is adhered to; providing all a safe way to say no, the other party accepts the no without argument or concern. Continue reading

Sexual Articulation

The other day Georgia told me of a situation in which it was obvious that an older man, situated in a seat a short distance from her. He was half turned in his chair, staring directly at her, sitting next to his wife rubbing her back sensually with one hand. He had a shit eating grin on his face, looking directly at Georgia. Georgia knew what the guy was thinking, and noticed the guys wife oblivious. If only he could tell his wife what he was thinking, but I speculate each has been taught that such thoughts are unacceptable.

As a couple we can talk to our partner about children, money, career, but somehow sex gets left out of that discussion. Expressing your desires about sex is not easy for some, yet we enter into relationships without discussing our sexual desires. It takes trust, comfort, and time to bandy about such intimate details, but still wedding bells must ring. The initial lift off of primal urges clouds our thinking, emotionally we try to connect with someone, mutely, anticipating there approval or disapproval.

In expressing what we find attractive, especially when we mention other people does not mean we want to orgasm with them, its should be treated as seeing a wonderful work of art or nature to be appreciated. Sexually Georgia and I play together, all our sexual interactions with anyone else includes the both of us. If we play with others we both play together but its not a rule we sat down and made. It has evolved as our desire to make each other happy prohibits us from playing with someone else without including the other.

Five years ago I couldnt imagine myself making that type of statement; it shows what love trust and commitment can do for a relationship.

Non Consensual Voyeurs

Much of our leisure time is occupied navigating the internets; the wonderful tubes of information to gratify ourselves in many different ways. Not just sexual gratification, whole “communities” of people who identify and relate to a common theme. It can be of any topic that has enthusiasts who want to share their knowledge, facilitating easy communication for those who otherwise would never have the opportunity to do so.

As people know, or may not know every website  has your interests recorded in a database somewhere, not entirely a bad thing, good consumer intelligence some would say. But like all endeavors it has its bad apples who have a sick need to exercise control over other people.

Glen Greenwald stated: The ways in which the loss of privacy destroys a society are somewhat abstract and difficult to articulate, though very real.  A society in which people know they are constantly being monitored is one that breeds conformism and submission, and which squashes innovation, deviation, and real dissent.

As we participate in activities that we consent too, having this unprecedented surveillance is a real threat to those of us who live what is labeled “an alternative lifestyle”.

Its not a small step to consider that in this typically fascist America today we are sliding towards on oligarchy of super wealthy people ruling over the “less well to do population”. These are the types that create legislation such as, the Patriot Act, the Arizona anti immigrant bill, non nudity, no touch strip bars. The country is littered laws from federal, state, and local  communities whose moral standards of living have not evolved much since the second century.

Since most kinky gatherings are not publicly known, and that some perceived social retribution is too costly to be open about your choices. Its not unreal to perceive the creation of laws that outlaws or restricts participating in such activity.

All over the country there is hysteric legislation that is targeted at people of color. But what if the bosses get tired of just picking on the poor ethnic groups, and just go after the rest of us who enjoy getting our kicks out of consensual flogging.

As the rich grow more powerful, making sure they cause enough hysteria to keep honest folks from thinking clearly. We may see laws drafted that restrict our ability to communicate about our consensual desires. Sites such as Fetlife, Collar Me, or Kink.com could be blocked or restricted by communities that have enough motivated voters to pass such oppressive legislation.

Voting time is approaching in parts of the USA, when walking into the voting booth take the time educate yourself about who you are voting for. For the vote you cast may be for the person who is going to help you build your own coffin, and they will do so with a smile.

Jay

Controlling Desire

There has been a bit written lately about monogamy vs non monogamy, and whether a person can be happy, or is happy. As I was writing a post reflection on my sexual growth over the last twenty years, some of what I read caused me to think a bit more about my previous attitudes about relationships.

When I was younger I thought of sex very simply, not knowing much about the female body, I knew a little more about mine, just rub here and wait five minutes was about the extent of it.  I was blissfully unaware that the all powerful sexual desire would sometimes trump my better judgment.

I think back to why did I get married ? For several reasons I am sure some are familiar with, to please my mom, to have a convenient lay, and to move out of the town I was living at the time. Living in a repressed town with little opportunity causes one to want to move to greener pastures.

I did what my mother expected settling for what was comfortable, what was easy. My ex wife and I lived together for a few years before we got married. Marriage is about control, the church wants to control your life saying this is the only way to have a relationship, happy or not. Society expects you to get married so you will have a life together with someone. I believed the big lie, get married and you will magically live happily ever after.

Maturing through our relationship, my ex wife and I found that our needs were different, that we had diverging wants for “our future”. Instead of reading the writing on the wall we gave it the ol Dr Phil try to make our marriage work. It didnt happen, neither one of us could fulfill what the other wanted.

In my relationship with Georgia we have an electricity between us that keeps charging each day. It takes us to new levels, providing us the spark to keep the love lines open and surging through with energy.

Sex between us has served at times as a way to break through our insecurities, knocking down the walls that are barriers to trust and honesty. As I think now about my growth wondering why I wasn’t aware that such a level of comfort and happiness could be attained.

Getting past expectations and taking risks in life leads to many new discoveries, treasures waiting to be enjoyed and shared are hidden out there. Just because the trail your on now seems comfortable or safe, doesn’t mean its the only path to choose.

Jay

Big Fat Hairy State

Last week Judge Richard Leon dismissed on grounds of insufficient evidence obscenity charges against John Stagliano, charges that were brought during the Bush Administration. Not really a surprise that the charges were dismissed as it was a shoddy attempt at convicting anyone on anything other than making trite porn.

The obscenity charges against Stagliano took root during the Bush Administration; private uninhibited fornication was second only to terrorism in nature of evil during that time. There are however convictions ever day of small time pornographers, prostitutes, bdsm enthusiasts, kids sending txt message, there will be no limousine liberal grandstanding on courthouse steps for their freedom.

But not a shocking outcome even if the trial had gone forward, the case didnt meet any of the criteria to be obscene, and a great deal depends on the how zealous the government would be at the time. Nothing can save a person at the mercy of the deep pockets of the government; as the mafia knows all too well. I guess thats one decent thing about the new Justice department in not challenging this, they got there hands full elsewhere.

Lyndon Johnson once stated that if you call your opponent a pig fucker, your opponent will have to run around denying they fuck pigs. Essentially those of us in the kink world are all one crazy prosecutor away from being locked up, just remember what happened to Tommy Chong. There could be a hysterical prosecutor in some town and whether he gets a conviction or not your reputation is smeared your broke financially, and he gets elected to office.

This case is a reminder again of how bloated, inefficient, and over reaching the State apparatus has become not just threatening big time producers but all of us who are merely wanting to live, laugh, and have fun before it all goes black.

Jay Morgan

Knowledge Is Power

Listening to Kink On Tap this week reminded me of the ever widening gap between what passes for information and knowledge these days. I like Kink On Tap, applaud what they are doing, so this is no way a critical assessment, merely an observation.

What leaped out at me was how outrageously taken out of context the quotes from Camille Paglia’s article talking about the drug Flibernasian, and bemoaning the poison of “bourgeois propriety“.  Kink On Tap discussed briefly an article that was written using two quotes from Camille’s article somehow placing the blame for middle class white folks lack of sexual satisfaction on the social networking phenomena of 2009.

It was odd that the hosts of Kink On Tap were not aware of Camille Paglia, given that they counter second wave anti porn feminist, they were not familiar with Camilles 1990 treatise Sexual Personae, or her work in general. I don’t agree with all that Camille writes but her essays are a relevantand useful tool in the sex positive “movement”.

Sexual Personae, attacked the academic, and cultural inbreeding that has spawned such creatures like this anti porn group. Camille celebrates the sexually risque, the queer, androgynous cultural history that is hidden from society.

There is so much information in the world, but very little knowledge, you can scroll through news groups, or social networking sites. After a while though its much like riding in a car on a freeway through a busy city, lots of bumpers stickers slogans, soft porn billboard advertising, and consistently dull uniform retail outlets.

I like Kink On Tap, hope they will maybe sift deeper through some of the raw material that is being produced, smelting that information into the hard steel of knowledge.

~Jay

Comfort Levels

Being a sexual explorative couple, part of our recreational time is spent having something to do with sexual activity. Either rope work, writing, communicating stories, surmising sexually about various peoples we see, or attend semi adventurous parties.

As any couple we have certain desires and requirements that must be met if we want to get to know someone beyond the length of a flogger.

G and I are not superficial, we are not perfect, we do not expect perfection in others; our simple criteria is a positive disposition. Having an open non-boastful attitude or being gracious is what will put us at ease. Being comfortable with someone leads to better communication which leads to honesty which then results in everyone having a good time.

For example there is a guy who ties Georgia, while teaching me the ropes, pun intended. He has a gentle disposition, tolerant of questions, and generally non-threatening.  A hell of a nice guy who needs a nice submissive in his life, but thats another story. G and I have a certain degree of trust with him. She trusts him when he ties her, she enjoys it, and they have a very sweet connection.

Its not always like this. A couple of weeks ago, G and I went to meet a person who might have be a candidate for some photos, kind of help him expand his portfolio, and maybe help us with some decent photos. There was a problem though, the gentleman was a bit hung up on his own bravado. He had photography he shared, he used lighting well, but they were merely blonde wanna-be models posed in vicky’s lingerie.

To digress a moment, G and I are very comfortable with talking about sex frankly. Yes she is attractive, she is fun to be around, we both are. But we are together, as a couple we play, as a couple we share everything. This concept never seemed to occur to this guy.

Which after a first meeting wouldn’t have been all that bad except for his not engaging me. He seemed only interested in Georgia, cornering her one-on-one while I was distracted with someone else. Then had the audacity to actually ask me if I wanted to be involved. I looked at G quizzically, making sure I heard correctly  and said sarcastically, ‘no I will just stay home and twiddle my thumbs.’

It also demonstrates its not all about physical attractiveness, but the difference is persona, your disposition. Seeing that G and I are a unit together, dealing with us together is the best way to start any relationship that contains the sexual dynamic, either photographer or rigger.

If I am tying up someone besides G and she has a boyfriend then I include him as much as her. For him its more erotic than it is to me, I do my best to put him at ease to allow them both to communicate and enjoy the experience. Yes, photographing or tying someone for whatever purpose you are going to be near the private lady or man parts, but it doesn’t mean in the end you want to have sex with them.

~JM